One of My Pet Peeves…

I like a lot of people. I really do. In fact, it takes quite a bit for me to dislike most people.

Although, one sure fire way to flip my switch and turn me into a total hater is to run your mouth about baseball and simply be spewing bullshit that is: A) inaccurate B) outdated and/or C) just plain stupid.

In the last five minutes these three dudes–whom I can only assume are visiting from BC or BU–just sauntered in with their popped collar polos and crooked hats looking about as Abercrombie and Fitch’d out as any dude can on a Friday morning.

That part doesn’t bother me. I’ve seen enough douche-bags dressed the exact same way a million times that…much like violence on television or politics as a whole…I’m completely desensitized to it.

It was what followed their Seventeen Magazine-esque entrance that has…as the old saying goes…”put a burr in my ass.”

Wait…that’s a really bad saying; just typing it makes me feel very uncomfortable sitting here. In fact, I think I’m going to stand up to type for a little bit. Let me try a more PG-phrase…”ruffled my feathers!”

That’s right, folks, these Justin Timberlake wannabes ruffled my freakin’ feathers without even stopping to talk to me.

Lemme lay it out for you in simple chat room format…

DBag1: u c the sox game?
DBag2: no
DBag3: no i luv the sox
DBag2: me 2
DBag1: u missed it? that sux
DBag1: it wuz a gr8 game
DBag2: sweet
DBag3: badass

Okay, doing that hurts my brain. Perhaps I’ll just try to hit the main points. Essentially, the first Douche-Bag was the only one who’d actually seen the game…which he later admitted to not having seen, but rather watching the highlights on SportsCenter. That’s one of the first things that bugged the piss out of me. Who starts a little rant about a game that they “saw” when they didn’t really see the game? If you want to run your mouth about a game you saw…please tell me you actually saw the game.

That’d be like me reading the back of a Harry Potter book and then showing up to some cult convention with a stick, weird glasses and a freakin’ lightning bolt on my forehead. It’s just not right. If you saw the trailer to a movie, it doesn’t mean you’ve seen the movie.

Thus, if you watched a two minute recap of the Red Sox/Indians game, you didn’t watch the game. You didn’t watch Josh Beckett absolutely own the Indians for eight innings. You didn’t watch the Sox pour it on all over a fading CC Sabathia and then obliterate the middle relief. You didn’t see the line drive that Grady Sizemore didn’t get to earlier that set up his missed diving catch. Shut your pie-hole, poser. You didn’t watch the game. Don’t tell your friends what a great game they missed out on because you don’t know what a great game you missed on a-hole.

Whew…that felt good.

Moving on…my next big problem was what DBag1 focused on about last night’s awesome game. Not once did he mention the fact that Josh Beckett looked like Bob Gibson on the mound. Not once did he mention Kevin Youkilis tearing the cover off the ball. Not once did he mention how well CC Sabathia held the Sox in check for the first six innings before they finally got to him in the seventh. Not once did he mention the way Travis Hafner has been completely hand-cuffed by the Red Sox.

What did he mention? He mentioned Manny Ramirez’s long fly that turned into a 390 foot single. He went on a rant about how lazy Manny is and how he should be traded. He went off about how Mike Lowell is a better offensive weapon than Manny and a better fielder too.

Things to note…a) Manny Ramirez is one of the most prolific right handed hitters of the last 30 years. b) Mike Lowell is not a better offensive weapon. c) Manny is a left-fielder, Lowell is a third baseman thus comparing their defensive prowess makes no sense. d) Lowell is a free agent after the World Series and is not a sure thing to stay in Boston.

All the while DBag2 and DBag3 are just eating it up and acting like this dude is some sort of preppy Peter Gammons/Bob Costas/Joe Buck hybrid who is all knowing and should be worshiped for his baseball knowledge.

When DBag2 asked when they played again, DBag1 replied: “beats me….probably next week or something.”

When DBag3 asked where they played the next game, DBag1 replied: “I think they’re still in California…”

At this point they got up and walked away; which was probably good timing, because I was actually in the process of fashioning a prison shiv out of number 2 pencils, book tape and the remnants of a book on heat and mass transfer.

So please, people of Boston…people of the world…people within my hearing range…feel free to talk all the bullshit you want around me; 94% of it won’t really bug me. But please…PLEASE…don’t run your mouth about baseball when all that’s flappin’ from your gums is horseshit.

I’m an easy man to get along with if you follow this one simple rule. So please, know your baseball or save it for another time.

About Jeremiah Graves

I am a professional library dude, a cheeseburger enthusiast, a wannabe writer, a slow-pitch softball center fielder, an avid hunter (of churros), a cat-person, and — hopefully — one of your two or three favorite Iowans.
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